


Sometimes

by blumen



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Depression, Insanity, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-04-17 09:20:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4661226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blumen/pseuds/blumen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Haru was jealous of Makoto. Jealous of the way he could forget. Jealous of the way he could so easily pretend everything was okay. Jealous of the way he actually believed it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sometimes

Sometimes Haru was jealous of Makoto.

 

“What would you like with your mackeral, Haru-chan?” Makoto asked, holding two cans in the air. “Pineapple or red-bean soup?”

Everything was canned now. Haru shrugged in reply, no longer caring what he ate as long as it was something. Makoto cracked open the can of pineapple with a blinding smile that made Haru's stomach twist.

 

Jealous of the way he could forget.

 

If it weren't for the fact that the plumbing stopped working weeks ago, Haru would be soaking away his anxieties in the tub. Sure, it wouldn't solve anything. But it all seemed slightly less awful when submerged beneathed the water, away the world, away from everything. At least the electricity was still working. But for how much longer, Haru had no clue. It wasn't something he wanted to think about.

 

Jealous of the way he could so easily pretend everything was okay.

 

“I was talking to Rin-chan again,” Makoto hummed whilst cooking his own dinner over the stove, sunny apron hugging his lean figure.

Haru couldn't help it. He froze. He couldn't let Makoto suspect anything was wrong. Yet he still felt his body tremble regardless of his will to not react.

“Oh,” Haru replied, praying his voice didn't sound as strained as it felt. “What did he say?”

“He was wondering when you would be back at the pool,” Makoto answered with eyes as soft as melted caramel and just as sweet. Were Haru not so exhausted he could have laughed like the gaping hole in his chest. Dark and never-ending.

“I don't know,” Haru shrugged again. It was a lie. He wouldn't ever be able to return to Samezuka. Hiding his trembling hands in the baggy sleeves of Makoto's sweater, Haruka diverted his gaze to the tiled floor, committing it to memory. It might not be under his feet one day as expected. Like the way Makoto's smile may not always be just a glance away. The shiver-inducing scent of his body, sweet and spicy all at once, wouldn't follow him wherever he went. The tilt of his lips and his dimples as he said 'I love you' never there at the end of the day.

 

Jealous of the way he actually believed it.

 

Of course Makoto didn't nearly jump ten-feet in the air at the chime of the doorbell like Haru did. Why would he? Makoto didn't link the sound of a repeating doorbell with impending death, how Haru wished he could but never would be able to ever again.

“Oh, maybe that's him,” Makoto pondered aloud. “I'll get it.”

“No!” Haruka grabbed Makoto's wrist with more force than he intended. It would bruise for sure. “You carry on cooking. I'll get it.”

“Okay, Haru-chan,” Makoto tried to conceal his concern but no matter how good he could be at it, Haruka would always notice. He wouldn't push for answers because he was considerate like that. But it wasn't just that; Haru knew that in the deepest depths of Makoto's subconscious he was aware of _everything._ Because there was no way that Makoto handed him the shovel by coincidence. No way that he really believed Haru's parents would be annoyed at weeds on the front porch when they-if they ever got back from their business trip. Mako _knew_ , but he wouldn't let himself _know_.

If he was right and Rin really was at the door Haru might finally loose his last shred of sanity.

With slow steady steps, Haru inched along the silent hallway towards the front door.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

Haru couldn't tell if it was the slouched figure waiting outside or the violent pounding of his own heart. As silently as he could, he undid every lock, and swung his arms above his head.

\-------

“It was only a sales person,” Haru said whilst wiping away the evidence on the shovel with a discarded rag that would later be burned.

“Hah? Again?” Makoto's confused expression would have been adorable if the cracking of weakened bones wasn't so fresh in Haru's mind. “We should put a sign on the postbox.”

“I'll do it in the morning,” Haru lied weakly. The door was going untouched for as long as he could help it.

“Dinner's waiting for you downstairs.”

“I'll be there in a moment.”

Discreetly shoving the dirtied cloth into his pocket, Haru stood and turned to face Makoto bouncing towards the table.

The food tasted like sawdust but Haru hadn't expected anything less. Pineapple and mackerel scraped against his throat like sharpened blades as he swallowed. Not even a sip of rationed water could make it go down any easier. But he had to eat; Makoto would worry.

Haru could hear Mako blabbering about his siblings but couldn't bring himself to listen.

Rin.

Thinking it made him ache but hearing it was a different pain altogether-sharp and agonizing. Like a dagger twisting in his gut. Actually, Haru would prefer that than having to constantly replay Rin crying out his name. The screaming. The guilt that was a black hole in his heart, sucking away any other emotion.

Makoto's warm gaze was no longer on Haru but on the empty space beside him.

“Oh, Rin! You've arrived early!” Makoto perked up like a startled dog. “You'll have to excuse us, your dinner isn't ready yet.”

 

Sometimes Haru was jealous of the way Makoto can still see Rin.

 

If he shuts his eyes and lets his mind drift Haru can almost see it too. Rin shaking it off and assuring Mako it was fine despite his protests that it was bad manners. The heat from Rin's body next to him sinking into his bones. Smell the chlorine clinging to his skin, see the traces of water dripping down his scalp.

 

Sometimes Haru was jealous, but most of the time he's horrified. Horrified of what ignorance could mean for Makoto in a world as twisted as theirs. Where Rin was dead along with the rest of everyone they ever cared about. Where it was just the two of them, putting off their inevitable deaths for as long as possible. It was longer the question of if they died-it was when.

 

“No, Rin, it's not okay! We're being terrible hosts!” Makoto flailed his arms like a demented octopus. “Don't just do nothing, Haru! Help me cook!”

Makoto's happiness and safety was the only thing stopping Haru from surrendering himself to the gun stashed away in his father's closet. When he died, he wanted it to be at his own hands, not theirs. He didn't want to wait his death out in the same way that you don't want to read a book if you already know the ending. It's quicker not to read it at all. It would be so easy to if the thought of leaving Makoto alone didn't make him nauseous. Haru wished he could say the only reason he hadn't killed himself already was that he had to protect Mako. Whilst that was true, it was mostly a selfish desire. Haru didn't want to be dead if it meant never seeing Makoto again. For Makoto he can go through any number of chapters.

 

But above all, Haru was terrified. Not just sometimes, always. The heart-swelling anxiety was always there so when Makoto's hands encased his or his lips brushed against his own, not feeling it was just as petrifying as watching Rin's body being torn apart from a flock of zombies, utterly helpless. As terrifying as finding Nagisa's hair-clips floating in a pool of blood. As terrifying as Rei's glasses found with shattered lens and twisted frames that would have given the boy an asthma attack where his thoughts not dominated by a lust for flesh. As terrifying as the thought of seeing his warm, precious Makoto as one of them. As terrifying as the fact that Haruka doesn't care if they get him first if it meant Makoto would be safe.

**Author's Note:**

> Can you guess which summer anime this is based off of?  
> I would say I'm sorry but I'm honestly not


End file.
